Conflict or Resolution?

(c) All of the above...

As this should be my last post of 2009, we are at that time where traditionally we assemble our resolutions for the upcoming year. This year, however, I am a little conflicted. Err...ok, a lot conflicted. Let me 'splain...

As mentioned before, I am charting a new spiritual life path that owes more to Taoism than anything else. Taoism is virtually impossible to explain, but can be best understood as alignment with universal nature and understanding/acceptance of the inconsequential self. Ambition doesn't much play a role, for it suggests working to take more from life than life readily offers, which in the doing generates turbulence, or conflict. When we make specific resolutions or plans, in the western sense, we are predestined to not live fully in the moment, which puts us in direct opposition to the Tao or path.

We all know that modern planning models require achievability, measurability, a time frame, milestones, etc, as though an infinite universe and our chaotic human experience can be fit neatly into a scientific model. I resolved earlier this year to not fall prey to these sorts of entrapments, so am limiting my 2010 resolutions to approaches rather than objective-based exercises. My hope is that as I review my progress this time next year, I'll find I've adopted life resolutions that have served me well and require little modification going forward.

1. I will strive to be as honest as possible, with myself and with all others with whom I interact.
2. I will seek to be empathetic with others and compassionate toward the suffering of all living beings I encounter.
3. I will work to become closer to nature, to live a life as in balance as possible with nature, and to make intensive interaction with nature a focal point of my life.
4. I will strive to honor the limited time granted to me in mortal existence by making a conscious effort to eliminate from my life all activities and accouterments that do not add real value to my existence or to that of others around me.
5. I will make a conscious effort the be happy, enjoy life, and to share my joy and happiness with others.
6. I will struggle against the overwhelming temptation to offer solutions to others' problems, particularly when my help is not requested.
7. I will continuously work to enhance my spiritual, mental and physical health by studying, meditating, exercising, eating healthily, and maintaining my sobriety.
8. I will work diligently to fully incorporate the Four Noble Truths, The Eightfold Path, and The Twelve Steps into my daily regimen, until they become an ingrained part of my nature.

Ok, I can already hear what you're saying. "Wow, that's some heavy shit!" Well, duh! Number 4 is basically saying, "Don't waste time," which I would be doing if I were adopting meaningless (to me) initiatives that had no value to others or myself, or which I had no intention of keeping. Please note that none of these are exactly measurable, and each I think has a sort of never-ending quality to it that negates the need for periodic upgrades. I think...

A quick dissertation on the challenges of each, and why I include them:

1. I, like every addict, have spent my life a chronic liar. Fortunately for others, the majority (but not all) of my lies have been to myself. I am in no way unique in this respect, but through introspection and counseling I've come to realize that lying is a conditioned pathology that we get better at with practice, and it is a direct impediment to relationships with self, with others and with nature. "To thine own self be true," will be a good maxim to start with...
2. I have a strong tendency to be frankly uncharitable towards individuals, while purportedly compassionate toward groups - like, say...mankind? I've traditionally explained this away by describing myself as "a forest person," rather than a "tree person." While this works organizationally, in one's daily life it is a cop-out, at least for me. I need to open myself up to others and to their individual suffering, which means trusting others, which I apparently have issues with. It will be an interesting challenge and perhaps my toughest.
3. The nature thing is a big one, and tied pretty directly to my Taoist sentiments. I am daily more convinced that the angst of modernity is directly attributable to our disconnect from nature, which has been both the objective and result of western culture. Again, I can only say and act on what applies to me, but I believe that getting back as close to nature as possible will be the wellspring of spiritual peace and mental health that I have been unconsciously seeking for a long while. The wife fears my going all Jeremiah Johnson, and I won't deny the appeal. My intent, however, is to bring as much of nature into my life as is reasonably possible, and to discard as much of "civilization" as is responsibly discardable, then evaluate the result and see how it feels and works.
4. As stated above, simply "Don't waste time." I have long held a sense of my own mortality and the temporal and temporary nature of human existence much more strongly than most folks I know. This is in no way distressing to me, but rather motivates me to extract as much as possible from every moment of living. Unfortunately, this sentiment has been honored only conceptually to this point. I now intend to actualize it.
5. I am a bleak dreary bastard for the most part, or am seen to be by many who know me, and I've decided this simply isn't acceptable. My lack of expressed joy has been, for the most part, due to my allowing life to live me, rather than vice-versa. I intend henceforth to live life fully and completely, and believe the resultant joy will evidence itself to those around me with no significant effort on my part. I fully expect this to be the simplest commitment I'm making to myself this upcoming year and all that follow.
6. This one I've already started on, and its a toughie. Being the problem solver is an ingrained part of my nature, and is also a classic co-dependent behavior. Suffice to say that I have plenty of my own problems to solve, a massive ego to subdue, and an undeveloped sense of humility that needs plenty of nurturing. Hopefully what you see in my blog will be the sum total of my unsolicited problem solving tips, which are, when offered, not what I suggest will work for you, but only what have, at least in some instances, worked for me.
7. Get serious about my program and quit dancing around it.
8. Ibid.

Not exciting this week, sorry. For you. For me, it has been pretty cathartic, and I would say has set a bit of an attitudinal benchmark against which to measure myself and my friends who are inclined to measure me over the course of upcoming months and years. As I reread the above I recognize the theme, and am satisfied with the consistency. I am in fact resolving only to make me a better me, rather than changing the world over which I have little control or even effect. Perhaps in so doing, I might add a little more than I take away, and leave existence at least a slight bit better than I found it. I'm not sure how much more than that we can realistically shoot for...

Happy Holiday all! And good-bye and good riddance to 2009!