Hodgepodge...

Yes, I'm late. So shoot me already. Jeesh!

When I got up this morning I had a pretty good concept for today's post. It totally flew out the door by about midway through this morning's AA meeting. Had a group of youngsters from some rehab facility attending their first meeting. Youngest couldn't have been more than 12 years old. Wow! Really rocked me, and I sensed a lot of others in the room. Great that he's learning so early that the program is there for him, and today's was an exceptionally good meeting. But so sad that a youngster could be in that much trouble that early in life. I turned to the fellow next to me and said, "Now that really makes me want to go kick someone's ass." And it did. Oldest kid was probably 16 and I could tell at least a few were brothers. Parents are as likely as not crack-heads, and its really their parents or maybe the previous generation whose butts should be kicked. Except all of them, and us, and me - we're all sick, and spend about half our time kicking our own asses anyway - some by drinking and drugging. In the end, everyone gets what's coming to them. That's karma...

Had a sit down afterward with a fellow I'd met some weeks back but never really had a chance to visit. We'd confirmed that we were both, err...shall we say, "non-traditional" in our belief systems? And I knew that would be the focus of our visit. Having been in the program nine months now, I've developed a comfort level with the interesting juxtaposition of my non-deistic belief system with the semi-overtly Christian overtone of the AA program, at least here in Texas. I am guessing that it may be a bit less overt in California or Boston, but am not certain...

We ran through our histories with addiction and spirituality, and confirmed once again that there are many paths to every destination. He has been in the program for more than 20 years, came in a rabid atheist, and is now, I would say, pretty Buddhist in his mindset, although this wasn't something he really recognized in himself. He said that I was the first person he can recall who started on the spiritual path, then found his way into AA, which made me feel kind of special. I mean, I knew it was an uncommon route, but have long since dismissed the notion that any ideas or paths are really original. Nonetheless, the non-suppressed ego likes to think there's something special about itself. So I will indulge myself lightly...

My non-traditional path into the program is one of the reasons I am pretty reluctant to share my thoughts on spirituality in meetings that take that bent in discussion, and I explained this to him. I don't really want to proselytize my belief system, at least in that setting. These are fellow travelers on the path of recovery for whom life and death hangs in the balance, supported by their having a strong belief system. Given that I can't prove mine right or theirs wrong, I am very reluctant to sow the seeds of doubt into the structure they've built by exposing them to an alien, although admittedly to some, quite compelling, approach. Better, I think, to wait for the curious, like my lunch companion, to make themselves known and ask. At least that's my approach, and I feel good with it. Of course, my therapist would say that its arrogant of me to think that I could knock the hinge pins loose from someone else's belief system, and maybe it is. Not a a risk or responsibility I care to shoulder at this juncture...

I know I have friends within my readership in the program, some of whom share my non-deistic eastern spiritual focus. Would love some feedback on this. And I've discussed with my sponsor on a couple of occasions our shared notion that there are likely a goodly number of atheist, agnostic, Wiccan and other non-traditional believer addicts who wander into the "wrong" AA or other 12-Step meeting on the wrong day and get hit with a too heavy dose of prayer, and a god called "Him," and the whole powerlessness thing, and turn around and hit the streets again for another day or month or year or lifetime. Kind of bums me out, ya know? My first visit to an AA meeting room, probably 15 years ago, was exactly that experience and had exactly that effect. And I'm not such a big believer in the whole karma thing to buy into the notion that for me, or those other disenchanted visitors, that in every instance it was just not their time. Of course for me, it really wasn't - didn't have a problem and had no interest in quitting. Just went to shut the wife up and get her off my ass. Yes, that stage of my trek was very traditional...

To get back on track, the program's success isn't really about God, but about spirituality and humility. If God is part of that for you, that's super. But a belief in the caring compassionate interventionist Judeo-Christian God is not a requirement for success. Having some power higher than, and other than, yourself that you believe in and rely on? That is definitely a requirement. I often say that I'm not nearly so certain that there's a higher power as I am that there's no lower power than me. Insignificant human occupying an insignificant planet in an insignificant solar system for an insignificant micro-fraction of an instant, against the universe which is infinite in time and space and its myriad manifestations. How much less significant can I be? I mean, we're getting to the same place vis-a-vis higher vs. lower, but from a different perspective that some find a little less threatening...

Which approach was a little confusing to my lunch companion, as he knows that I participate in the Lord's Prayer at the end of every meeting, linked hand in hand with the addict to the right and left of me (lady's hand on my right today was really cold, which is rare - for someone's hands to be colder than mine, I mean...) I explained that I had been raised saying the Lord's Prayer, and felt that my joining in with the group was supporting the group, the vast majority of whom believe in a God that hears and answers prayers. He, on the other hand, not believing in the God who hears and answers prayers, but in some other God, which he described as non-interventionist, yet which/who somehow made a habit of intervening in a positive way, doesn't join in the prayer (but does join hands). He feels that saying words you don't believe somehow dishonors him or something. Different viewpoints, neither right nor wrong in my view. His approach does attract attention,which lead to our lunch date and new friendship. And it is honest. Hmmm, will have to ponder...

Which made me start to share with him my reluctance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, which was real and heartfelt for the longest time. Part of it was based on the whole "under God" thing, but equally I felt it was really a lie all the way through. I mean, "One Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Really? The only words in the whole string which aren't lies are the prepositions, for God's sake! And this was more than a little bit difficult, seeing that for a while I was an elected official and every meeting opened with the Pledge. What was I to do? It wasn't my job to upset my constituents or to educate them on philosophy, theology, metaphysics, etc. My job was to keep them calm and represent their secular interests as related to municipal government. I worked my way through by mouthing the words (so it looked ok on cable television) and later was able to reach the point where I could say the whole thing, except for the "under God" bit. How? I finally read the damn thing through, parsing it like a lawyer,until I got comfortable with the notion that I wasn't pledging allegiance to a piece of cloth, nor to the nation as it exists, but to the ideal "for which it stands." Hey, worked for me...

So, prayer lying bad, pledge lying ok? Vice-a-versa? All lying bad? "Have you seen my wife lately?" Saw her in the lobby of a hotel downtown getting into an elevator holding hands with a man that wasn't you...

Sometimes life really is just like a box of chocolates. Thanks, Forest. I believe I will...

Oh, and kid. Keep coming back, ya hear?

Is AA a Religion?

I will begin by advising both regulars and newcomers that this is only one of myriad topics that we'll be discussing here, so don't want anyone put off by this week's heavier subject matter after last week's lighthearted look at sex in the kitchen. Also, as I have many friends who are, like me, "Friends of Bill," and know that most others have been touched in some way by addiction either personally or in their families, please know that I intend no offense in anything which follows. As always, these are my thoughts and mine alone, worth exactly what you're paying for them unless you choose to assign some other value - your prerogative...

I will begin by reminding all that I am a recovering alcoholic, having just passed the seven month mark in what I intend to be a lifelong commitment to sobriety. It was with the greatest reluctance that I admitted last summer that my drinking was more in control of me than I of it, a situation I chose to reverse of my own accord, and not as the result of some precipitating incident, court order, spousal ultimatum, calamity or other outside pressure. I actually strongly considered at the time trying to go it alone, and am not convinced that I couldn't have made it. However, like most "problem drinkers" (almost always a cute term that alcoholics or their enablers utilize prior to the light coming on), I had tried half-halfheartedly to quit a few times and failed. Fortunately, my best friend Shawn, who had been a big drinking buddy and who had been in the program for more than a decade at the time, had through AA, therapy and intensive introspection, turned his life around. Fortunately I had enough sense to know that I was going to need some help. Like me, he was raised Catholic, in a household where drinking was a constant, and is a floater between agnosticism and atheism. He assured me that I was bright enough to work my way past the "God stuff" and told me that he would stand by my side, but only if I would give the program a try. I'm eternally grateful that he did.

It is interesting to note that, according to dictionary definitions, one would be hard-pressed not to deem Alcoholics Anonymous a religion. One of the definitions in Merriam Webster's online dictionary is "a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith." I can assure you that nobody who is an active participant in AA, NA or any other 12-step program will deny that this is, in fact, a perfect definition of the program. Other definitions and other dictionaries use the word "religious" pretty liberally, with little distinction made between "religious" and "spiritual." For most of us, there is a decided distinction between the two which I will get to shortly...

As a quick aside, I was similarly put off some years back - a decade I guess now that I think of it, when I was running for Congress. I was very big on campaign finance reform - was in fact my cornerstone issue (I didn't win so there may be a lesson there...) Anyway, I was trying to draw the distinctions between politics (bad) and government (potentially good.) Go ahead and look it up, I'll wait. Uh-huh. In almost every dictionary the definition of politics is "the art of government." What the hell is that all about? I just really, really hate "a horse is a horse" definitions. Sorry, I digress...

AA's GSO (General Service Organization) is tax exempt and does instruct affiliates on how to achieve tax exempt status, but pointedly relies not on the church exemption (which I think is a crock of shit) but on the general non-profit service organization exemption. Kudos for that important distinction. However, the Ninth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco in a 2007 ruling, said "...the constitutional dividing line between church and state (sic) is so clear that a parole officer can be sued for damages for ordering a parolee to go through rehabilitation at Alcoholics Anonymous or an affiliated program for drug addicts." And rulings from across the nation since 1996 have established that "requiring a parolee to attend religion-based treatment programs violates the First Amendment," the court said. I suppose it is understandable that, just as much of the general public cannot explain the difference between spiritual and religious, the government is apparently unable to formulate a distinction either. (Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/09/08/BA99S1AKQ.DTL#ixzz0cpLBaWBX) (Another topic for another day...)

Ok, enough of the formalities. You all know, or should know by now, that I don't do religion. Everyone is welcome to his or her own, and I make no judgments. I was raised in a religious household, attended parochial school and mass every day except Saturday from before I can remember to when I was 14 or so; baptized, confirmed, altar boy, the whole nine yards. Hell, I'm told all the mothers had me slated for the seminary. I guess they willfully ignored my undisguised affinity for the fairer sex. Religion can do that to you - myopia I mean. I managed to pretty well jettison the practice without losing the concept and basic beliefs, and even got baptized a second time as a Mormon, hoping to get into a certain lovely lassie's temple garments. That didn't take either, as she had some silly notion about marriage before the fun stuff and I wasn't going for any of that. Over the course of time my belief in the Christian version of God was replaced with one larger and more universal...

Point being, I'm no stranger to religion, rituals, practices, scriptures, etc. Again, there is little on the surface that distinguishes AA from traditional religions. Question is, is there anything at all? I believe there is, something rather large, and will attempt to explain...

First, AA is very straightforward in virtually all its written materials (texts) regarding "A Higher Power" and "the God of your(sic) understanding." Granted, Bill and the other founders in the 1930s were typical and traditional Christians for the most part, and admittedly introduced this flexibility only after some serious consideration. And the fact that every meeting I've been to opens with the Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change..." and closes with the Lord's Prayer - "Our Father, who art in Heaven..." seems to mitigate in favor of the traditional western monotheistic Christian God model. The second tradition (there are twelve) states in part: "...there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself ..." Again, we have a monotheistic deity apparently male in gender - old white haired fart floating in the clouds, right? But more critically, the third tradition states: "The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking."

Do we detect a dichotomy here? Well, duh! Of course we do, and that's the point. While the second tradition may be offensive to atheists, agnostics, Wiccans, Hindus, Buddhists, etc., it is not exclusive - as He (yeah, I hate that too) may express himself to one as "She," as "Mother Earth," as "The Infinite Universe," or as the high holy tadpole circling the sun. The fact that a bunch of Christians used Christian language to describe the God of their understanding isn't nearly as surprising as the fact that they very generously left a hole for the rest of us wide enough to drive a universe through. And the third tradition is exquisite in its simplicity. Anyone and everyone who desires to stop drinking is invited, and by simply showing up becomes a member. I really know of no religion whose doors are that wide open, which makes so little demand on its members. You need not believe in its heaven or its hell, its sins or its salvations, honor its patriarchs or saints or cherubim or seraphim or idols or icons or texts or anything else. You don't have to read or memorize or recite or vow, to wear special garments or honor certain days, tithe or fast or self-flagellate or kneel or make signs in the air or on your body. Most critically, you are not compelled to believe anything - only desire. And that which you desire is supported by real tangible evidence in the form of fellow members who had the same desire, followed the same steps you'll be following, and have actually and demonstrably achieved exactly what you hope to achieve. Is there any traditional or non-traditional religion that you know of that requires absolutely nothing of its members, except a desire to stop doing something that is destroying our lives? If, so, please let me know...

If you Google the title of this post, you'll find several entries, almost all anti-AA and making the argument that AA is in fact a religion requiring fealty to their credos and rituals and some even accusing AA of being a cult. I will not cast aspersions on the authors, as I don't know them and haven't walked in their shoes. I will say that the one time that I tried AA before - perhaps 15 years or so ago - can't remember now, I went to one or two meetings, under spousal duress if memory serves, and walked away absolutely put off by "all the God stuff." It was God this and God that and higher power this, and surrender and pray and, aaaargh! I couldn't take it! Turns out that the problem wasn't AA - it was me. I wasn't ready yet. I hadn't hit my bottom. I hadn't admitted that I had a problem I couldn't handle by myself and that I needed help. And that's all AA is, is help. It is a tool in the tool belt - really a set of tools. Go out on a construction site sometime and see how much is being accomplished by the workers who have a belt full of tools but nothing in their hands...

My guess is that the authors of these articles are for the most part real alcoholics or addicts, came into the program looking for someone else to fix their problems, and walked away disappointed and angry. (All untreated non-recovering alcoholics and addicts, by the way, are angry. Most generalizations are dangerous, but not this one. Anger and self-loathing are two universal symptoms...) People become similarly disenchanted with actual religions, which they turn to hoping for some improvement in their lives and when it doesn't come to pass blame the church or the religion or the God or the minister or almost anyone but themselves. Of course the smart religions don't promise anything in the here and now, but only in the hereafter. Kind of tough to disprove in this life, eh? Which is another very important distinction between AA and actual religions. AA's promise is temporal, worldly, tangible. What AA promises is that if you dedicate yourself each day to not drinking, and if you follow the steps that others have followed to accomplish this task which is very difficult for most of us, that the alcohol (or drugs or eating or gambling or sex or any other addiction that has a twelve-step program) will no longer control your life. It doesn't say you'll have eternal salvation, be rich and famous, have perfect body, a shiny car, a great sex life, a happy marriage. It doesn't say that your life will be perfect or that the underlying psychological and spiritual causes of your addictive and destructive behavior will be cured. All it says is that the destructive behavior will no longer control your life. And it works...

I know we're way over budget here, so let me close with these few observations. While AA and other twelve step programs are not, in my view, religions, they are deeply and profoundly spiritual. They do require that the participant admit his or her weakness and insignificance in the face of a greater power. For me, that greater power is the eternal infinite universe, against the power and magnificence of which I am less significant than a single molecule of salt in all the oceans of the earth. For you, it may be something totally different. If, however, you believe that there is no power higher than yourself, don't waste your time, because for you, the programs won't work. For you more so, but for every addict, the problem isn't the alcohol or the drugs or the sex or the eating or the gambling or the stealing or whatever destructive behavior is your particular demon or combination of demons. The problem is you, the individual. And for those too myopic or stubborn to see their own weakness and too prideful to admit they need help, no religion or program or anything else will ease their suffering. I know. I were one once...