We'll be pretty short this week, I think. It's been a long rough one in the capitalist jungle, and I'm feeling rather ragged. The economy's been rough for a lot of folks in a lot of places for a long time. This week the hard times came precariously close to home, and my animal side came dangerously close to taking over...
We all knew it was coming. Not exactly what or when, but you can't keep suffering the losses we've been suffering in my small firm month after month without something finally giving. About 30% of our work force was laid off, totally without warning, which is the norm for my industry. Too much dangerously sensitive information in play to risk a disgruntled soon-to-be ex-employee wreaking havoc. Still when the axe falls that quickly and brutally, it leaves everyone on edge. "Could have been me..." Yep, could have been...
Those of us most senior had been given about 24 hours notice of generally what was coming, without any details or identification of the victims. We all gathered together and had a big kumbaya about how we were going to pull together, work harder and smarter as a team, and fight our way through the firestorm. All for one and one for all. Bosses and minions all doing their best, pulling their share of the load. Right? Right...
Within 24 hours my superior decided to push a point that had been a burr between us for some time - technically a violation of procedures but one which might have been left resting for the time being, given the tensions of the moment and the fact that I am currently the top producer in the firm. I countered by confronting him in, shall we say, less than diplomatic fashion. It was the corporate capitalist version of two wild dogs snarling at each other over a steaming scrap of carrion, fangs bared and jowls dripping saliva, hackles raised and eyes blazing. He, the old and faltering alpha in this case, chose not to press the fight at that point, so it was left to fester. And all undetectable by the casual observer, but we both knew. Today we went back to circling and growling, but no real attacks and no blood drawn. We are dozens of miles apart over the weekend, both cooling off and headed toward some peaceful resolution in the new week, hopefully. If not, I may be blogging more regularly soon and for a bit...
I have only in a few instances in my life been under such physical threat that I hackled up and got the blood lust. Most civilized people in this and other industrialized countries can make it all the way through their lives without ever having that experience, unless they're in the military or law enforcement or have the misfortune of tangling with violent criminals. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of the experience, although I am afraid of the person I become, and would prefer to not go there again...
Which is why this week's confrontation frightened me. I am a great appreciator of the efficiency of capitalism, a system I find myself detesting more and more each passing year. But I've been here before, in not dissimilar circumstances. On more than one occasion in times past, this visceral physical or near physical response to a threat to my livelihood has been an instantaneous one. While I don't much enjoy working for a living, and wouldn't as I do if I didn't have others depending on me, the idea that I can respond with physical and near physical aggression over mere economic matters is frightening to me, and more than a little disheartening. I've worked fairly hard to better myself, to have a more spiritual and compassionate approach to living - have never held any sentimentality for workers "going postal" or wackos flying small planes into IRS offices. And yet here, the slightest threat to the meager livelihood with which I help provide for my family, and I'm nearly dagger drawn.
The saving grace, from an economic and employment standpoint, is that the boss doesn't know how close the call was, and in truth I suppose I should be proud that I was able to conceal and control as well as I did. Had I actually acted out what I felt and scarcely contained, it is possible I would be incarcerated and he hospitalized. I would absolutely be unemployed. I would like to write it off to the tension of the week's events, the lying and dissembling of the Republicans in Washington, the phases of the moon. But I know better. My children have told me on more than one occasion that I can be scary. Sometimes I scare me too. And I don't like it anymore...
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I believe all humans can be scary at times and that's what makes us human and scares the hell out of us. Most humans aren't secure enough in themselves to admit it. Your honesty is a testament to your character. There are people who are more volatile yet would never own it. Now that you've wrestled with your animal instincts you will recognize the triggers that bring you to your tipping point. You can see when it's time for some chlllaxin and take a break. This is why so many people are taking meds or self-medicating with hooch or weed. We are living in an unnatural state when the fight or flight response is engaged all too often. Agitated as we are with traffic, news reports, ticker tapes, stressed co-workers or disgruntled bosses it's understandable.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Rebecca. I don't medicate, and don't think that attribute was one I ever really treated. There have been times in my life when it stood me in good stead. Just caught me off guard as I guess I thought I was past it - which is foolish, since I've never set it out in front of me and dealt with it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and your feedback...