Humble Pie?

I have long prided myself (maybe a clue there?) on not being a "joiner." I've never felt a compulsion to be part of a group, and have always been something of a loner. I don't see this as either a good or bad thing in and of itself, although a friend recently observed that as I only involve myself in groups in which I am or expect to be the leader, mayhaps there's a bit of arrogance and ego involved? I'm not sure - haven't really set that as a focus to explore, yet. Maybe someday. The truth of the matter is that when I find myself in groups I generally wind up in charge. My therapist has mentioned "charisma." We also discuss "arrogance" a lot. One and the same? I don't think so, but maybe there's a correlation...

Anyway, at my AA meeting this evening one of the members shared, again, his experience with a sponsor who had more than 40 years of sobriety, and who "went back out." That's AA speak, by the way, for "fell off the wagon." That would certainly be humbling. But what I found humbling tonight and find humbling at every meeting I go to is being in a room full of people who, through the gifts of the program, personal perseverance and resilience, and the grace of God (as they understand him/her/it), manage to rack up five, and ten, and twenty, and, yes, forty and more years of sobriety. If you've not wrestled the demon, you have no real way of understanding how truly awe-inspiring a feat this is for those of us who have. Wow!

Anyhow, my point in starting this was that, while I didn't go to AA to become part of a group, I find myself being just that. Not a leader, nor intending to be. Just another lowly drunk gathering with a bunch of other lowly drunks helping each other get through today. And loving it...

AA is about the most democratic sort of group one could imagine, with an openness and honesty and lack of agenda or judgmentalism that I don't know could be achieved in any other environment. I think this is largely because every one of us has, to a large degree, been where the others have been - spent enough time on the same destructive path that we come in the door with the same sort of camaraderie that combat veterans share. Shedding the self and the ego is one of the core components, and every person in there who understands the program in the slightest, understands that each and every one of us, from the shaking smelly first-timer to the grizzled half-century veteran, is exactly the same. One drink away from being "back out there"...

I've found myself more and more dodging opportunities to involve myself with my old circles, mostly political types. Not because I don't like or love them or believe in the cause anymore, because I do. Rather, its because I don't want to lead and don't know how to follow. So I take the third course and just get the hell out of the way. And I don't really miss it for the most part, even though for the longest time and in many ways my main reason for living...

I am thrilled to see many I mentored into political activism becoming effective leaders, and even more to see these mentoring more and more newcomers. I'm remiss to warn them that political activism is an addiction unto itself, because I understand the passion they feel and know the world will be better for them doing what they're doing than if it weren't being done at all. And they'll outgrow it, eventually. We all do. Politics is a grueling avocation that eats up the weak and wears out the strong...

They tell me I'm missed, and I appreciate that immensely. And I know that if I jumped back in I could do some good. What I know now, though, that I didn't know then, is that the world keeps spinning along just fine without me trying to run it or fix it. Truth be told, I was never, or at least not for long, really a part of the group. I was always at the forefront, leading some fight or other, because it was where I wanted to be, and where, for the most part, folks wanted me to be. Arrogance? Charisma? I don't know. The fact of the matter is, I know now, that if the fight is worth fighting, someone will step forward to fight it. And, as likely as not, it will be someone younger or stronger or both, better prepared, more talented, and less burdened than a tired old drunk doing his best to just stay upright on the wagon as it rolls along.

For me, I'm content to chart a new course, seek new understanding, focus on winning my inner battles and leave the others for others. And to spend a few hours a week hanging out with a courageous group of folks who damn sure don't need me to lead them anywhere, and who wouldn't follow if I were arrogant enough to try...

Kind of liberating, this humility thing.